


Cards Against the Universe

by Nerdgirl001



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 05:10:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6941188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerdgirl001/pseuds/Nerdgirl001
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers decide to create their own cards for a Cards Against Humanity expansion. Chaos Ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [that_one_kid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/that_one_kid/gifts), [RiverSongFallenAngel221B](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiverSongFallenAngel221B/gifts), [CaptainKirby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainKirby/gifts).



No one really knew how it started, all anyone did know was that after a few nights of drinking they already had a pretty good list. This list encapsulated many moments from their late nights getting drunk to dire statements in the heat of battle... Sort of. Everyone blamed Tony for two reasons, the first is rather obvious as who else would think to come up with new cards for their favorite game, and the second less obvious reason is that Nat was actually the one who came up with it. They decided, on one of their less drunk nights that they would call it Cards Against The Universe as they dealt with much more than just humanity. Theirs was a half-baked plan that no one ever expected to come to fruition. No one that is, except Tony Stark.


	2. Round One

"That. Was. Exhausting." Clint said laboriously, "remind me again why we save the world?"  
"Because it's the right thing to do." Steve responded helpfully, although he was also beyond tired.  
"Because of all the perks" Tony said with a laugh as he collapsed onto the couch.  
"Because who else will?" Nat said finally as she leaned cooly against the wall.  
"Didn't you get shot?" Clint asked from his position on the floor. Nat shrugged and walked into the kitchen, soon followed by the rest of them.  
"I'm about to get shot!" Tony said cheerfully holding a bottle of vodka, "well shots anyway, who's in?" Everyone but Cap dove for a glass. Tony sighed dramatically, "Oh come on captain my captain, don't tell me you're too good for a shot of vodka.  
Steve shrugged, "It's not that, it's just that it's not going to do anythi-" he paused, "well now I'm just worried." He finished as Tony raised an eyebrow and a large flask.  
"I think this stuff may do the trick." Tony said with a wink, "It works for Thor anyway." Steve sighed and grabbed a glass, he knew there was no way out of this one. Tony poured them all a drink, all vodka except Steve's, and they drank to victory over evil.  
"Speaking of evil," Tony started once they all put down their glasses, "anyone want to play Cards Against the Universe?" Smiles spread around the crowd. "Jarvis?" Tony called toward the ceiling.  
"The printed copy is in the drawing room sir." Jarvis replied.  
"Printed?" Clint said his eyes glinting.  
"Oh yes." Tony said with a smile before he ran off to grab the cards he had printed off. Nat grabbed the normal game cards and the rest cleared off the table and filled it with liquor bottles. When Tony came back he brandished their new expansion pack, he had used blank cards from the real game and printed their card ideas on the front, while on the back he had crossed out the word "Humanity" and printed on "the Universe". Everyone ooo'ed and ahh'ed accordingly and he sat down. They quickly shuffled the decks together and drew their hands. Cap was the first Card Czar. He sighed lightly as he read the black card, one of his least favorite, " Why am I sticky?" Laughter went around as the others as they slapped down their white cards in front of Steve. He sighed again and took a swig from the flask. He grabbed the cards and instantly blushed to his elbows. "Uh... Wow." He stammered as he went through them while giggles erupted from the others.  
"You gotta read them!"  
"Do it in order!"  
"Mine is totally going to win..." "Don't be so sure!" Went the usual chatter as they watched Steve arrange the cards in front of him.  
"Okay," he said looking at the cards, "Why am I sticky? A big black dick, Captain Ameri-flan; who added that one anyway?; and... I can't believe you people... The winner, Tony Stark."  
Laughter erupted as Nat casually bowed and grabbed the black card in one movement. Tony found the bottom of his glass as Steve tried to calm the blush running down his forearms by thinking of the one time he tried making them flan, and how the Captain Ameri-flan jokes never really ended after that.  
"My turn!" Clint called as he snatched up the next black card, "Ooh one of the new ones! *blank*s not worthy!'" Again in quick succession cards were placed in front of the Czar. He picked them up as he received them and shuffled briefly while wiggling his eyebrows at the rest of them. "Okay! Let's see here..." He began to mumble to himself about the cards while the others drank and waited in eager anticipation. "I liked all of these, but every game's gotta have a loser... 'Thor Odinson's not worthy', it was clever, but-" he shrugged in lieu of an explanation and continued. "'My relationship status's not worthy' while funny, it could not beat 'Fox News's not worthy' because that is just true." Everyone laughed as Nat again took the black card.  
"What can I say, I know you boys better than you know yourselves." She said smugly and only half joking.  
"Oh yeah right Widow. Now you have me to contend with. Me and-" Tony paused for dramatic effect as he grabbed a card, he laughed and put on his best Fury impersonation, "Son, I'm here to talk to you about *blank*"  
She smiled slyly. "Easy."  
Cards were slapped down and Tony eyed Nat until he picked them up. His eyes glinted. "Son, I'm not here to talk to you about my vagina." He rolled his eyes and placed the white card down on the table, "I'm also not here to talk to you about a bigger blacker dick. Although I do appreciate the effort in that one. But Son, I am here to talk to you about LANGUAGE!" All eyes flew to Steve for a moment as he dropped the small white card like a microphone. Nat laughed as she grabbed the card. Tony's face fell, until she handed it to its proper owner of the evening, Steve. "I KNEW IT!" Tony shouted as Steve accepted the card from her.  
"Hey I know when I've been beat." She smiled and reached for a card, "I have a *blank*." She paused, "We have a *blank*." Everyone smiled, "I will read the bottom one first." She informed everyone as each one quickly pulled out two cards from their hand. Nat read them all once and immediately had an order. "I have a windmill full of corpses. We have a glass ceiling." She shrugged, "it was funny but it doesn't make a lot of sense." She grabbed the next pile, "I have an Auschwitz. We have a Hulk. -so close!" She smiled as she reached for the last two cards, "and the winner; I have a black dick. We have a Black Widow." Everyone erupted with laughter as Clint took his card victoriously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has ideas for another Avengers white or black card please comment with them!


End file.
